Surely exercising in the morning would set me up energetically for a productive day. But regrettably, it seems the reverse is true: I find myself avoiding things I must do and playing solitaire instead, then whining inwardly about nonexistent challenges within even this time waster -- it really isn't the case that diamonds come up less frequently than the other suits in a deck of cards, for instance, but I persist in the feeling that they are significantly harder to come by than all the others, and I resent them for it. Averting my eyes from my pile of unaccomplished tasks gets more and more difficult as the squandered minutes roll by. They are not big tasks: calling someone, emailing someone else with a request. But I don't like calling people or asking for things.
One solitaire game ends in a qualified victory: I won, but my time was slow. I click on nuova partita and sourly begin another hand. I don't really want to play, but I don't want to stop, either. This is known as addiction.
Outside, it is offensively lovely -- the bluest of skies, brilliant leaves, warm and sunny. We won't have many more days like this before winter descends. Any sane person would want to be out in it, but not me. I want to light a fire and curl up by it. And then stay there for twenty or thirty years.
How strange a thing mood is. I know enough about depression to interrogate myself sternly about this mood of mine, enough to watch myself and drag myself in for a change in therapeutic protocol if this odd and unpleasant state of affairs persists. I know that it can get much worse than this, and I'm not interested in going there. But it will pass, I think. I have some obligations that should rouse me to something resembling life in a few hours.
In the meantime:
Fat Depressive's Hot Chocolate
1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa, the best you can afford
pinch of salt
1/2 tsp powdered stevia
1 cup nonfat dry milk
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
Combine salt, cocoa and stevia in medium saucepan. Mix with a small amount of water (1/4 cup) and stir to make a smooth paste.
Add another 2 cups water and dry milk. Heat over medium flame until steaming. Stir in vanilla and stevia. Drink it all.
Very dark and rich, very little fat and low in carbs, very high in protein. So quick and easy, you can make it when depressed.
If you don't feel better immediately upon drinking this, eat three oatmeal raisin cookies. If still no change, call your psychiatrist. You may need a change in your meds.
Have you read Jesus Wept: When Faith and Depression Meet yet? If you're at all tempted by Fat Depressive's Hot Cocoa, you probably should.
Did you ever wish that my Meditations on the Psalms had an index that would enable you to look up a specific psalm, or to search for a specific theme? Well, it does now, and you can download it at www.geraniumfarm.org. Heartfelt thanks to editor Christina Caughlan for creating this index.